Thank you, thank you, thank you.

"If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough." Meister Eckhart

In an attempt to calmly glide into my day, I sat down this morning in a sunny corner and set the timer for 15 minutes to meditate.  Unable to control my monkey mind, I lay my hands gently on my heart and decided to focus on being grateful. WHOOSH, my heart opened and I almost started to cry. Okay, interesting. Off for the morning walk with Cooper. I wasn't in the mood for a big fat cry.

In yoga class, I was filled with appreciation of this body I grew up loathing. Three years of yoga and I feel so strong. No back ache. No shoulder ache. Movement and balance and breath. I almost even stilled my monkey mind. Thank you, thank you, thank you.


Then coffee with my dear friend and yoga teacher, Debbie. I realized she is the closest witness to three years of my latest transformation. In her calm presence, I survived a mad crush on a musician (I'm still convinced he put a spell on me with his hugs and kisses backstage - that's how he sells Cd's! I bought them ALL!) Then there was the on-again-off-again, 2-year, half-the-year-long-distance boyfriend. I got my groove back and will forever be grateful to this dear man who wasn't right for me. I cried on Debbie's shoulder, would show up nearly manic with joy, then fill up with doubt a week later. WHAT A RIDE. All while she calmly watched me work it out, maybe throwing me a cryptic comment or two. Always hugs. Two years later, a steadier place. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

At 4:00, I took Cooper for another walk. It was gently snowing and beautiful. Here's my gratitude list from this walk:

Beautiful hand warmers made by an appreciative coaching client.

The most macho of soles on my boots so I don't fall down - lots of research before I bought them.

    Sending a text to a man. A grown man. 

Super nice neighbors who give me the most delicious homemade cookies, fudge, you name it, every Christmas.

 

Little Big Dog. (Cooper)
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I was really groovin' on the grateful record. But, just in case you think I've gone off the deep end of La-La Land, Cooper disappeared. Second time today (first time made me late for yoga class. Bitch.)



So she burst my little G-bubble. Here's my mad teacher face, with the groove down the middle of my forehead and my hat off so I can better hear her coming.

Yep, gratitude lists work, then shit happens and

the groove appears in my forehead. But I've found some kind of faster way back to some sort of balance. I dare say, I am feeling pretty darn fearless these days. There are so many reasons: events, people, realizations, and, most of all, a bone-deep understanding of Letting Go that has brought me to this place.  

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

The Gift of Too Much News

Nothing seems right to write about except the shootings in Newtown, Conn.

I heard the news from a friend but it took me a while to feel the news. As one who is constantly nagging my coaching clients to get in touch with their hearts, I realized the mighty brain sometimes steps in to perhaps save us. The radio ran nothing but this story and I found myself wanting news and analysis. Comfort in facts. Reassurance that kids are still safer in schools than outside of them. Experts advocating screening kids for depression because it is so easily hidden. My fact-collecting brain kept my heart well insulated from feeling the tragedy.

Then I woke up Saturday morning and remembered the years after my husband died of not wanting to wake up in the morning, of wanting to sleep forever. The insulation fell apart and the tears came. I feel lucky that I don't watch TV. If I saw the faces of anyone in Newton, I would have found it unbearable.

Later in the morning, as I assumed child's pose on my yoga mat, I looked for comfort by visualizing connecting directly to the earth and I felt a deep, deep sadness. So many people have been asked to bear the unbearable.

People are already complaining about the nonstop media coverage. You can always turn it off. But I think in trying to make sense of senseless acts, information helps. And maybe we need a break from feeling our hearts break.

Let Go Or Be Dragged

Whoa! This magnet in a cute little shop in Rhode Island stopped me in my tracks. I burst out laughing, then realized "Letting go" has been something that has been in my peripheral vision all year, something that I focus on now and then. So I ask the Captain Obvious Question, "Let go of what?" Here are some of the answers that came to mind:

1. Too much stuff. As I wrote in my last post, too many things taking up my space are irritating me. Some of it is entangled in emotional attachment but as I've begun to wrap my brain around the freedom of letting go, I'm feeling a new ease in, well, letting things go. I am looking forward to the space I create and the welcoming in of what? How about THE FUTURE. 

2. Judgement. Oh, this is such a gift. I can recalibrate my thinking pretty quickly when it comes to most people. But when it comes to family, it has taken me more time and effort to get to this place of non-judgement. I'm learning to let go of wishing they understood me, really knew me, shared my values, didn't judge me. But I can't change them. I  can accept them as they are and relax in the cushy hammock of my own truth. The flip side is compassion, a handy "tool" I use when I feel the judgement beast sneakin' in. We all have our struggles.

3. Expectations/Control. A wise person I once knew used to say "Hope is for losers." Ouch. This person had a dark sense of humor but a generous heart. And I think this was a caustic way of saying we  really don't know what will happen with our best laid plans. I may expect Uncle Ed to be critical of his sister, as he has done every Christmas that I can remember. Then one year, he doesn't. People change. Life is filled with change. I planned a life with someone. Then they died. Not what I expected and out of my control. At first I hoped for more control over my life because life had whacked me too damn hard. But I know now that's a waste of energy and a misery-generator. So I hold onto the handle of life and let the wind carry me, with my feelings as my guide and no one at the wheel of control. Well, most of the time. 

Let go or be dragged. http://anirreverentwhirl.blogspot.com/2012_11_01_archive.html