So. What the heck was the gigunda lesson for me in 2011? (So many lessons, so little memory.) It’s like choosing a favorite color. And that changes, then I always go back to Black (I love you Amy Winehouse, wherever you are now – everywhere?) Black is the absence of color OR all colors, depending on which color mixing system you are abiding by. There goes THAT metaphor out the window.
Okay, back to my original thought. The lesson that popped into my head was around control. This freaked me out; since I pride myself on being a flexible, go with the flow kind of a gal. But I had an epiphany: anxiety that I have to manage dwells in that place between conjuring up a plan that is based on what I clearly want and seeing it manifest. My working brain thinks if I do enough, keep after it, massage it, obsess over it, it will happen. Work, work, work. This is the only way. When did I get so dogmatic?
Sometimes I need 2 or 3 or 5 two by fours to hit me in the head to learn a lesson. Seems letting go is the biggie for me this year. Or, the ow-ie -hard-to-admit version: understanding I cannot control the outcome of the things I set in motion. I’d like to blame this on having lived through the worst thing I could imagine, losing my husband suddenly. Good excuse, eh? Makes you want to control everything so that bad things won’t happen. But I know I’m fooling myself. This need to control goes back to the lesson I’m here to learn – trusting myself. Trusting that whatever it is I’ve put my energy into is the best for me, not based on anyone else’s opinion. I’ve been weaning my way away from books and asking others about major decisions. Well, not completely. I still do “research”, but I learn more and more to trust my gut, elusive sometimes but lately I’ve had a few intuitive hits and I noticed! I actually paid attention and acted on them before my analytical mind could talk me out of it. It felt good to be true to myself, knowing there’s always the possibility for misinterpretation. (There it is again, other people’s opinions.) I believe I can get better and better at noticing my gut as I learn to, dare I say it, trust myself.
Folks who seem to have a better grasp on their spiritual side appear to get the next piece: set it in motion then let it go and trust that the Universe/God/Spirit will take it from there. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. Trust. In something intangible. Part of me is saying, “yeah, right.” That’s the part that wants to keep working on it, to keep controlling things. Trusting means that an idea that felt right that didn’t come to fruition didn’t ripen because it wasn’t the right time, place or thing for me to be doing right now. NOT because I’m a big fat loser who didn’t work hard enough. THAT’S the lesson.
If I sound like I have it all figured out, believe you me, I am a constant wonderer. That’s why I take long walks in the woods. That’s where I think my plans through and often it feels like a conversation going on in my head. If there’s a sarcastic, common sense response to my mental queries, I know it’s my late husband popping in with his own two cents.
I’ve already gained so much by letting go – the freedom to love another man, a feel for the okay-ness of imperfection and getting clearer on what I am not responsible for fixing. My biggest lesson of 2011 will be something to practice in 2012. And my favorite color right now is red-violet. The color of love with a bit of blues mixed in. Perfect.
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