Yoga is great for a lot of reasons and I adore the strengthening, the stretching, the breathing. But sometimes I use that lovely stretch of time to think (BAD yogini!) And occasionally the light bulb goes off. This morning, as I lay draped over a bolster, several ideas I've had this week came together in an A-HA!
Two weeks ago my back spasmed into disabling me for days, forcing me onto the couch and into my head. I thought about aging, how I move, but most of all I've been trying to figure out, in the grander scheme of things, what it means. This back thing has been going on monthly since July. All the experts in my life have theories and it's all very helpful in figuring out the physical cause of this reoccurring, debilitating pain. I also want to know what my body is trying to tell me. I really think there are messages. Another reason I love yoga - I spent my entire life trying to ignore the body I loathed - I didn't grow the long legs I was convinced was the key to happiness. I got the short, built-low-to-the-ground made-to-push-a-plow body. Yoga has taught me acceptance, then appreciation. Now I look to my body for guidance. So, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME!
Three things jelled. I bought an online book called "The Effortless Life" by Leo Babauta. http://zenhabits.net/effortless/ Leo addresses the idea of living in a kind of flow, something I really really want. Less struggle, more flow. The little bit I've read has got me thinking about this busy life I thought would prove that I'm good. Smart. Not lazy. A productive citizen of the U.S.A. Here's an idea - it's okay not to be busy. Wow. I hadn't even considered it.
The next day, I watched an episode from Oprah's LifeClass show, with my favorite life coach, Martha Beck http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Oprahs-Lifeclass-Complete-Webcast-with-Martha-Beck-Video. What really hit home was the question "What are you most ashamed of?" I think "I'm not getting enough done." Martha points out what a big fat lie this often is. I've been beating myself up because of this crazy expectation I have of where I think I should be in my new coaching/artist life and where I actually am. But according to whose expectations? Holy shit. It's a lie.
Finally, yoga class this morning was the first time in the two years I've been practicing that I treated myself very gently. I swear I heard my body say thank-you. And that's when I realized what all these directives were trying to tell me: you're okay right where you are. Acceptance. I started to cry. Partly from the pain of pushing aside that critical voice in my head to accept me for who I am right now and partly from the joy of this place I'm finding my way to. I think my back wants me to ease up on myself. We are so often our worst enemy. I know, as a life coach, my job is to help my wonderful clients see themselves in the positive way others see them. It's a beautiful thing.
My bills are always paid, my house a lovely place to be and my friends all around me. I am healthy. Now it's time to cut myself enough slack so I can jump into the flow. Okay, maybe I'll ease my way in.
"If you hold on to the handle, she said, it's easier to maintain the illusion of control. But it's more fun if you just let the wind carry you." Brian Andreas
wow, Annie, has your soul been talking to my soul?! The path you've followed here is so familiar to me. Thanks for articulating it so clearly and compassionately. It does feel good to know I'm not the only one who tries to do too much, suffers body responses that hurt, and forgets to simply allow myself to be alive in a human body on this so exquisitely beautiful earth - the gift, eh!
ReplyDeleteTake care, friend!
Gyllian
Accepting where we are may be the hardest thing we ask ourselves to do. But if it was easy, everyone would be happy and the world would be a blissful place. Keep practicing, and I will too, and maybe we can just find some bliss on the Hill.
ReplyDelete