What My Aching Back Has Been Trying to Tell Me

Yoga is great for a lot of reasons and I adore the strengthening, the stretching, the breathing. But sometimes I use that lovely stretch of time to think (BAD yogini!) And occasionally the light bulb goes off. This morning, as I lay draped over a bolster, several ideas I've had this week came together in an A-HA!

Two weeks ago my back spasmed into disabling me for days, forcing me onto the couch and into my head. I thought about aging, how I move, but most of all I've been trying to figure out, in the grander scheme of things, what it means. This back thing has been going on monthly since July. All the experts in my life have theories and it's all very helpful in figuring out the physical cause of this reoccurring, debilitating pain. I also want to know what my body is trying to tell me. I really think there are messages. Another reason I love yoga - I spent my entire life trying to ignore the body I loathed - I didn't grow the long legs I was convinced was the key to happiness. I got the short, built-low-to-the-ground made-to-push-a-plow body. Yoga has taught me acceptance, then appreciation. Now I look to my body for guidance. So, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME!

Three things jelled. I bought an online book called "The Effortless Life" by Leo Babauta. http://zenhabits.net/effortless/ Leo addresses the idea of living in a kind of flow, something I really really want. Less struggle, more flow. The little bit I've read has got me thinking about this busy life I thought would prove that I'm good. Smart. Not lazy. A productive citizen of the U.S.A.  Here's an idea - it's okay not to be busy. Wow. I hadn't even considered it.

The next day, I watched an episode from Oprah's LifeClass show, with my favorite life coach, Martha Beck http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Oprahs-Lifeclass-Complete-Webcast-with-Martha-Beck-Video. What really hit home was the question "What are you most ashamed of?" I think "I'm not getting enough done." Martha points out what a big fat lie this often is. I've been beating myself up because of this crazy expectation I have of where I think I should be in my new coaching/artist life and where I actually am. But according to whose expectations? Holy shit. It's a lie.

Finally, yoga class this morning was the first time in the two years I've been practicing that I treated myself very gently. I swear I heard my body say thank-you. And that's when I realized what all these directives were trying to tell me: you're okay right where you are. Acceptance. I started to cry. Partly from the pain of pushing aside that critical voice in my head to accept me for who I am right now and partly from the joy of this place I'm finding my way to. I think my back wants me to ease up on myself. We are so often our worst enemy. I know, as a life coach, my job is to help my wonderful clients see themselves in the positive way others see them. It's a beautiful thing.

My bills are always paid, my house a lovely place to be and my friends all around me. I am healthy. Now it's time to cut myself enough slack so I can jump into the flow. Okay, maybe I'll ease my way in.

"If you hold on to the handle, she said, it's easier to maintain the illusion of control. But it's more fun if you just let the wind carry you." Brian Andreas

Will 2012 be the year you change your life?

Will 2012 be the year you change your life?

Taming My Own Gremlin

Last Saturday I ran my first Artsy/Life Coachy workshop, "Make a Mask, Meet Your Gremlin". The idea was to create a mask that would personify that voice in your head that pops up whenever you plan a change, take a risk. It's called a gremlin. Your gremlin knows you very well, having been with you for as long as you have judged yourself. It will tell you all the reasons to play it safe. This can come in handy when you think you want to see what it feels like to drive a Camaro 120 mph down Main St. but the gremlin noise I'm talking about is the voice that will stunt your growth, that beats you up and scares you, just when you need to be brave and push through fear to get to the next healthy thing in your evolution. My gremlin's name is How-eee, as in "How-eee ya think you're gonna do THAT?!?!" He's a smirking, know-it-all smart ass.

How-eee

So, you'd think a Life Coach running a gremlin workshop would be an expert at taming her gremlin. There's an expression in coaching, you wanna be able to "walk the talk". I'm just now climbing out of the dark, dank hole my gremlin pushed me into. First shove (voice in my head) was "The workshop participants were your girlfriend, who happened to be here that weekend, and her son & his girlfriend. And the studio's owner. People really aren't interested in what you have to offer. Your friends just feel sorry for you." 

I started the workshop by asking everyone to imagine doing what I assumed would be a very uncomfortable task (draw a self portrait) to set off their gremlin's chatter. Instead, everyone seemed really comfortable with the task! (My assumption.) Not what I expected. This gets How-eee chattering again ("I told you you didn't know what you were doing. See?") But my teacher training steps in - try something else. So I suggest everyone think of something they are asked to do that they are uncomfortable with. Then notice the self-limiting chatter that comes up. How-eee again: "It ain't workin'."

The masks were powerful, it seemed everyone was enjoying making them, painting them, adding glitter. Then one started coming apart. Disappointment. When we were done, I had a hand out that summarized what gremlin talk is and ways to tame it. I was so worried they would think the workshop was a waste of time (another shove by you know who) at least they had something to take home and look at. By the end of the day, I was in a "You Suck Hole."

So I worked through what went right, what went wrong. But the trouble was, I was mixing How-eee's opinions in with what I really know for sure. For example, unless I asked each person specifically, there is no way I would know what any of the participants got out of the workshop. How-eee tried convincing me otherwise. Debbie wrote about creating her gremlin mask in her blog Yoga in the Snow and it sent How-eee, sulking, to the corner. 

So, as I learn every single day how to "walk the talk", what I find is old habits (of thinking) and a powerful gremlin still shout in my head. The difference is I recognize him, and can tame him sooner than before. I believe, with practice, I will be able to identify his unhelpfullness right away and skip the hours and sometimes days of debate. The best place for me to "go" when this happens is to understand the lessons learned. Here's what I learned: 

1. My little town is little. I think this lends itself to being somewhat private. This doesn't lend itself to publicly discussing your gremlins. And not everyone wants to look inside their head. 

2. I have no idea what people are really thinking or what value they take away from what I offer. Unless they tell me specifically.

3. I realized I want to go to my own studio and make art. Give the workshop scene a rest for a while.

I had help climbing out of the hole. I talk with my Life Coach Ed Mickool weekly and he's the man who asks the questions that remind me that I know where I've stored the ladder to climb out of the hole. How-eee keeps moving the ladder but I think he's running out of hiding places.